25 Reasons Why Suicide is Better Than a Day at Fenway Park

Often, when I was attending a baseball game my thought would wander and I contemplated the idea that killing myself was a good way to end the excruciating drudgery of having to sit through the entire game. No matter how much beer I drank or how good the company was I always regretted going to a game.

So I decided to list the best reasons why killing myself would improve the experience. This is the list of the best reasons I came up with.

 

#1. Suicide is much cheaper than game tickets

#2. Suicide prevents you from slipping into a coma as you try to stay awake until someone actually moves on the field

#3. At least you can die quickly instead of being bored to death over hours.

#4. You can kill yourself without having to die a slow death watching a hundred commercials before the end.

 #5. Suicide is painless... baseball is excruciatingly dull.

#6. If you kill yourself at a Red Sux game... no one will even notice you among the rest of the victims who just simply expire waiting for something to happen,

#7. At least you don't feel the need to ask for your money back after you're done

#8. Killing yourself is easier than reliving the Bill Buckner moment over and over and over and over.

#9. You will never have to wait until next year again.

#10. You won't have to live in fear anymore of being hit by a falling Red Sux fan when you drive over the Tobin bridge.

#11. Killing yourself means you don't have to suffer the synthetic liquid they call beer at Fenway anymore.

#12. The thought of spending a summers day at Fenway Park can help conquer your fear of dying young.

#13 Suicide victims only die once. Red Sux fans die a thousand deaths a season

#14. After you kill yourself you never have to explain why you hate the Red Sux ever again

#15, At least when you kill yourself you get to determine the manner of death. In Fenway the Red Sux  can kill you in any number of ways. None of them pleasant.

#16 Killing yourself makes you die a loser in life... Rooting for the Red Sux makes you  a

loser FOR life

#17. If a Red Sux fan kills their self they'll never have to sink as low as a Cubs fan.

#18. You can eat anything you like before you commit suicide. At Fenway... anything you eat might kill you whether you like it or not.

#19. You can commit suicide, be reincarnated and live your whole life again before most baseball games are finished

#20. If you kill yourself fast enough you may not have to suffer through the second game of the double header.

#21. If you kill yourself and give up your seat it just might go to a Yankees fan. That would in turn cause at least a dozen Sux fans to follow your example.

#22 Suicide means never having to endure one more insipid wave by bored-out-of-their-mind Red Sux  fans.

#23. Because dying once is better than having your heart ripped out 162 times a year.

#24. Suicide means you never have to hurt yourself again laughing until you shyte your pants whenever someone starts to explain how serious baseball is and that it's actually a sport. Statements like that can lead to serious brain damage anyway so dying may be a better option.

#25 Suicide is preferable to growing old and dying in your car while waiting to get out of the parking lot after a game.